Bathroom Etiquette

Hello and welcome to the Hurricane Sandy edition of Man Behind the Clouds.  In case you were wondering, she is blowing hard (wind that is, you pervert) and is a little wet (because of the rain, you sicko!).  I wanted to talk about the unwritten rules on bathroom etiquette.  As always, I would love to hear your thoughts on what I am about to say.  So please feel free to leave comments!

It really baffles me how many people break so many of the rules when it comes to bathroom etiquette.  Not quite sure why it happens?  Perhaps it is a cultural thing or a lack of common sense?  Whatever the circumstance is, people have no clue of how to conduct themselves in a bathroom.  At times it really feels like the final frontier or the wild west.  Let’s examine some of my unwritten rules when it comes to bathroom etiquette.

  1. WASH YOUR HANDS!  – Consider this the “Golden Rule” of bathroom etiquette.  It is a crying shame that I have to say this to people.  I cringe at people that just left the bathroom stall (and not to go #1) and dash towards the exit.  It makes me cringe because this is the same person that will not wash their hands and is the first one to want a high five or shake your hand!  Even a fist bump can be awkward with someone that hasn’t washed their hands.  That is why there should be a law that allows you to pee or poop or someone else’s hands if you notice that they didn’t wash their hands.  People become immune to their own business, but I guarantee that if my law was in effect more people would wash their hands.
  2. No conversations at the urinal – C’mon people!  The last thing I want to have while I am taking care of business at the urinal is a conversation.  I hate it when someone asks you “how is it going? or what’s up?”.  Guy, I have my junk in my hand and trying to relieve myself.  How do you think it is going?  To make matters worse, I hate when the person just talks your ear off to the point where you are just trying to wash your hands and exit as quickly as possible.  However, this person wants to debate politics or talk about sports,  Buddy, we can have the same conversation outside instead of lingering in a bathroom that smells like ass.
  3. No wandering eyes – The bathroom is not a peep show.  I repeat, the bathroom is not a peep show.  When you are at the urinal, do not let your eyes wander!  The rule is to keep your eyes facing forward.  Find a spot on the wall in front of you and stare at it until you have completed the “task at hand” (haha see what I did there?).  Peeing at the urinal is not the time to let your curiosity get the best of you.
  4. Mind the gap – I cannot stand when there are plenty of available urinals or stalls and the person picks the one right next to you.  In life you need a “buffer” and this certainly is true when in the bathroom.  Not only are you invading my space but you are increasing the likelihood of violating rules #2 and #3.  I can certainly understand if the only open stall or urinal happens to be right next to me but if there are options, I don’t need a bathroom neighbor!
  5. Restock the inventory – This rule applies to home bathrooms primarily.  As some courtesy for the next person if you see that the roll is almost kicked, please restock.  It is always tough to sit down and realize after the deed’s been done that you need a fresh roll.  There isn’t anything cool about having to waddle your way to find a new roll to replenish.
  6. Courtesy flush – I have been in some lengthy debates on why more people don’t use the courtesy flush.  It boggles my mind that any human would rather complete their “duties” and then flush rather than load, flush, and reload.  You must really like the scent of your own “musk”.  Still doesn’t mean that everybody else will!
  7. Shut the damn door – This next rule just illustrates the lack of people’s common sense.  Most household bathrooms are usually located near a common area right?  It is awkward enough at times having to blow up someone’s bathroom.  If this is the case then why do you make it even more awkward by leaving the bathroom door wide open after you are finished?  Now you are just broadcasting to the entire house that you just dropped a bomb.  Trust me when I say that nobody wants to smell your aftermath.  Just shut the damn door behind you and confine the scent to a small area.

Well I have vented for long enough.  One day, people will adhere to these unwritten rules and make the bathroom a peaceful place again!  I certainly want to hear your thoughts, so make sure you share them by leaving a comment.

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