Man Behind The Clouds

Have you ever been in a situation where you walk into a room after someone just let the nastiest fart? I am sure we all have. Now let me ask you if you ever have noticed the difference between the smell of your farts from another person? You bet your ass they smell different. So I have this theory that your fart smells are determined by your race. I will break it down and show you exactly what I mean. Now please remember that this pertains to everybody. Even you ladies out there are just as guilty for farting as us men folk. I don’t buy the fact that your farts don’t smell because I know they do.

Anyways please let me also take a moment to say that I am not a big fan of stereotypes but I know that some of them are true. With that being said let me break down my theory. Now each race and their farts are directly related to the type of diet they consume. So let’s take a look at some of the races and what their staples are.

Caucasians: Oh you white people have some crazy smelling farts. Whenever my white friends fart, I can smell traces of ham, pork chops, cottage cheese, and more. Sometimes a combination of these three. Since white people consume a lot of pork and steak they definitely leave traces of these meats in their farts. However there is a variable for Caucasians. Since you have different ethnic groups within the race opens the door for the Irish fart (meat, potatoes, and Guinness), the English fart (beans, fish & chips, and a spot of tea), or Greek fart (gyros, feta cheese, and falafels) On the pungent scale with 1 being the least and 10 being the most pungent. I give Caucasian farts a 7

Asians: I must say that big things come in small packages. As one of my good friends from Chi-town has proven time and time again. Good ol GW can hold his own in the fart department. But why is he able to stink up a joint so bad. Well take a look at the Asian diet. First off lets focus on Sushi. Anytime you have raw anything you are bound to wreak havoc from the anus. Just think about all the various fish that are used and what is often mixed in with them. I also would like to point out that Asians tend to use eggs in their cooking. Which can lead to the dreaded Asian Egg Foo Fart! So the next time you think about ordering egg noodles, egg foo yung, or egg drop soup please consider the lives of those around you. Asian farts get a 8!

Indian: Like their Asian counterparts, Indian people have their eclectic list of foods. Ranging from roti to goat. However in this particular case it isn’t what they eat. For Indian farts it is what they use to cook the food. As you may know Indians utilize a ton of curry to spice up their meals. Now I don’t know if you ever have smelled curry but that sh*t right there is potent and stings the nostrils. Just image the number it does with seasoning your farts. Certainly packs a punch and has a very distinct smell to it. Once that scent creeps in our nose it can make your eyes water forever! Curried scented farts get a 10 on the pungent scale

Blacks: Now I wasn’t going to let my own people off the hook. Black people can hold their own as well in the stank fart department. While our scent may not pack a knockout blow like our Indian counterparts, they still cannot be underestimated. We all know that black people love to devour some fried chicken. As a matter of fact, we will eat a ton of fried foods. Which we all know is part of the formula for disaster. The grease in fried foods is so bad. It is even worse when passed off in a gas like form. Just to give you an idea of the damage caused by fried foods, I was sleeping in the comforts of my own room. True story. I had farted while asleep and the smell was so bad that I woke up. But I give the Negroes and their greasy farts a 8.5

Hispanic: Beans beans the magical fruit. Well you know how the rest goes. Boy those hispanics know how to cook some food. But a steady diet of rice and beans can often lead to El Nino of the anus. A heavy usage of ground beef and corn can also cause a storm to brew South of the Border. Anytime corn is involved you often wonder. One of my friends had just devoured a beef & bean burrito from a restaurant (not Taco Bell) and it had a side of corn salsa. I swear that when he would start farting that little he could feel corn kernels trying to escape. So that always paints an excellent picture. On the scale, I give Hispanics a 8.5

Well that concludes my theory. Now I hope that you have a new found understanding and appreciation for diversity and the effects it has on their fart smells. If you would like to purchase my book on this, you can try to find it on Amazon.com (I am kidding please do not try to find it on Amazon). I hope that you found my lecture both intriguing and informative. Now don’t take me for my word go out and conduct research on your own.

Happy Farting!